"23"

There is a song that I love by Jimmy Eat World called "23". It is off of their Futures album. I've been listening to it a lot the last couple days and I am amazed at how many different things it makes me think/feel in 7 1/2 minutes.

(Note: if you haven't heard the song, this post isn't going to make much sense)

(Note the 2nd [or would it be Note Jr.?] : you should listen to the song)

The song has a few lines that really speak to me about where I am at this point in my life. The most haunting for me is:

"I won't always love these selfish things."

I've been having discussions with people lately about relationships, marriage, and children. A lot of my friends/family are getting married or having kids lately. While I think it is great for them, I just know it my heart that I am nowhere near ready for that kind of commitment and, through my talks, have come to the conclusion that the reason I'm not ready is because I am simply too selfish at this point in my life. And you know what, I'm not sorry. I can't be sorry for feeling that way right now.

On the flip side, I don't want to always be so selfish. One day, I do want to settle down, get married and start a family, but that is going to force me to put other people first, something I've never really done.

"I won't always love what I'll never have,

I won't always live in my regrets"

This one is a bit touchier for me. One thing I can say for certain about myself, is that I have never had good timing. Something was always wrong. I have a hard time looking back at my life and wondering how different things would be if I had just had the courage to say how I felt, taken the chance, swung for the fences. I've taken steps the last few years to try and takes some of those chances, but I know that some of the things I've done in my past can never be undone. It has taken some time for me to come to terms with that idea. I think this line really speaks to wanting to move forward, to shed the weaker parts of our past selves and be the person we always hoped we would be. But it also shows it to be a process, not something you can do so easily as changing your clothes, taking a different route to work, etc.

"No one else will have me like you do

No one will have me, only you"

This goes back to regrets and living in the past. This is more about being accepted for who you are, no pretenses or judgements. There have been a few amazing people in my life who I felt 100% comfortable around, where I knew I could be absolutely who I was and feel no judgement or remorse. They got me. It is hard when you move on in your life and realize just how important that kind of love is. I hate sitting in a group of people and having a thought come into my mind and realize that I can't comfortably say it out loud. If you are one of those people that has always been there for me at my silliest, most insecure, non-sensical moments, thank you, I can't possibly tell you how much it meant/means to me.

The beginning of the song talks about leaving someone behind and it not being an easy decision.

"I'm still driving away,

and I'm sorry every day"

Later in the song it talks of living in the moment and taking risks:

"You'll sit alone forever,

If you wait for the right time,

So what are you hoping for?"

I love the opposition of those two sentiments. One talks about perhaps regretting a chance not taken, while the other urges you to risk it, there will never be the perfect moment. I think it is something that a lot of people, both my age and not, go through and feel.

It is a difficult balance between living your life and keeping the lessons of the past with you. I know that is something I have struggled with, and continue to deal with.

I could sit and break down all of the little pieces of the song individually all day, but what is important to me about the song is the message as a whole. Its message of the struggle to grow up and be an adult and what all of that is supposed to mean is really poignant to me. It is just one song that has meant a lot to me and I wanted to share my thoughts.

This was a lot of fun, there may be more of these song analysis's coming.

The heat, for the love of God, the heat

Before I start, I'm going to cut you off. Yes, I know I lived in Arizona for half of my life and before that in Florida. Yes, those places are hot. But this heat sucks/blows/melts.

The humidity is so bad that I when I get out of the shower I immediately start sweating from the heat in the bathroom. It is impossible to get dried off. Our apartment, as many in NYC do not, has no AC. That is just painful when it is 90-100 degrees outside plus humidity. Blech.

I have not been so successful in finding things to do with my time while I wait for my interview with Apple (which is on Wednesday). Luckily, Kelly has tomorrow off so I will have someone to hang out with. Damn her and her tech for her show.

I really wish I had more to say right now. I saw a show last night, called Hater, for free because my friend is the Associate Producer on it. It was a strange/cool translation of Moliere's The Misanthrope. It was quite interesting and somewhat modernized. It was for sure worth seeing, especially since it was free!

I realized, the last 6 shows I've seen here in New York, I've paid a total of $11. Those 6 shows are as follows: Sondheim on Sondheim ($11), Everyday Rapture (free),The Merchant of Venice (free), Mary Poppins (free), Our Town (free) and Hater (free). I guess that is one major perk of working in theatre and having friends who also work in theatre.

Frustrating things are frustrating

So, I am unemployed. This sucks. At first it was kinda ok, being able to sleep in, hang out all day without bothering to put on pants, etc. But now I am bored, poor, and getting anxious.

I have had two interviews with an Apple store and was supposed to have a final one this week, but I got a call from the store and their head manager is now out of town for the next few days so I don't get to interview again until next week sometime. I understand this isn't the worst thing in the world, but going yet another week without working is not the outlook I was hoping for following my previous interview going so remarkably well.

Also, I have a friend who works at New World Stages. They have 5 stages and often rent them out to companies for whatever they need them for. Well, they were short a porter to babysit the event they had going on this Sunday. They called me to come in and do it because they know me through Jana. I readily jumped on this chance, especially seeing as how it was for 11 hours and they pay double time after 8 hours. I got the call this morning that the event was cancelled.

I feel like the world is dangling something shiny and profitable in front of my face just to snatch it away at the last second. I not only need the money, but I need something to do, a reason to put on pants. Hopefully I will get to interview with Apple early next week and all will be ok and I will get the job. Otherwise, I have no idea what I am going to do.

I'm doing what now?!

Ok, so I figured to start up a little blog because...well...I don't know why. I guess boredom will do that to a person.

I guess it will enable me to catalog my random adventures and things of that nature. I suppose it will also be a way for people to follow what is happening in my life, if they choose to do so.

I always wondered what I would say if I had a blog, and it appears that the answer is: not much. I tend to think that my life isn't that interesting, but then I look back months/years later and realize that my life is a little crazy, it just seems normal to me while I am in the midst of living it. I will try to chronicle some of these crazy/normal events and hopefully not sound like a complete moron(a stretch for me).

I guess now is as good a time to start as any.

(Here we go.)

I moved here to NYC to pursue a career in theatre, specifically in Stage Management and I fully intend on continuing on that path, but I seem to be about a step away from taking a small detour. No, I'm not changing careers or anything, but more like slowing down and enjoying the other parts of life for a little bit. I am *this close* (quite close) to securing a job with an Apple store here in Manhattan. It isn't the most glorious thing in the world, but if one must have a 'survival job,' this one sounds pretty damn awesome. I would get to help people play with awesome pieces of technology in a big, beautiful store in the Upper West Side.

And honestly, I am kinda looking forward to a normal-ish job for a little bit. I've been stage managing without pause/break/hiatus for some time now. Everything I've done for the last 4+ years (when I realized I wanted to do it professionally) has been aimed at being a successful SM. I've taken almost no time to just relax and enjoy the other things in life that make me happy. I've spent so much energy solely focused on work that it will be refreshing to look at the other parts of life, even if only for a few months. It will be a welcome vacation from the constant pushing and pressing to break through to the professional ranks.

I've realized lately that there are a number of things that I would love to learn how to do, but have never had the time/money/energy to pursue due to being so zeroed in on work. I would love to learn to play the piano, I would like to take a dance class, I would love to really get in shape. I want to be able to have time to read in the park, or wander through a museum without a time limit (other than those imposed by the establishment in regards to when they close, of course) or goal/accomplishment in mind. I've realized that about myself when I go to museums, I tend to know I only have so much time to be there so I try to rip through as much art as possible in the time allotted and thus end up not being able to really soak in the things I am looking at. I'd like to have that time.

(subject change)

(that was nice and subtle, no?)

I found my first 6-8 months here in NYC to be very difficult. Not necessarily due to financial reasons, work hunting, navigating the subway system, or any of that, though those things have been difficult at times. I have found it very hard to meet people here. This is the first time where I didn't have a built-in way to meet people. There was no company/department/class/conservatory to be a part of. I was on my own and expected to take the initiative somehow. Needless to say, I was confuzzled. And you can shut up, that is a real word damnit!

I have recently found that just being here and taking small, odd gigs has started to yield social interaction outside of the actual job. I am starting to feel like I actually belong here. And it is only getting better. I have friends from my past moving here in the near future and these new friendships will only lend themselves to even more new ones!

NYC is starting to feel like home.