Darkness

I realized something tonight while making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. There is a darkness in everyone. Everybody has a defect, a flaw, secrets. The sooner I realize that and accept my own and stop pretending that other people are perfect, the happier I will be.

Star in the making/ Xmas longing

I am going to be a Broadway star!

OK, not going to happen for so many reasons. I did, however, get to go on for one of the roles in Play Dead, the show that I work on. Part of my job title is understudy to a guy in the show. I didn't ever see myself going on, so I wasn't too worried about it. Then I found out that I had to do 6 of the 8 performances this past week.

Luckily, there is basically no words and very little stage time. It is mostly doing stuff behind the scenes that the audience can't really see. Well, they can see the things I do, just not me. I am more than ok with that. I can honestly tell people now that I have acted in an Off-Broadway production. Weird, huh?

Life is going pretty well. Christmas in on Saturday. This will be the first year that I am not able to go home. I will be here alone in NYC. I have been mentally preparing myself for a while now, but it is still tough. I miss my family a lot. I haven't seen them since last Christmas. I am excited because I get to see them in January after the Brelby wedding, but that still seems far away.

I love being in the city for this time of the year, I just wish I could be home for the day. I wish my family lived closer so that I could go home for 1 or 2 days when I needed a break and a loving smile from my mom. But alas, life isn't that way and I have to learn to deal with that. Most of the time, I have no problem being far from home, but the holidays are tough. I wish I knew 1 or 2 people here well enough that I could spend it with them. Most of the people I know will be out of the city for the holidays though, so no luck there.

One day I will find my new 'family' of friends here, it is just going to take some time.

I have been working a lot with the holidays. As mentioned earlier, I did 6 of 8 performances for Play Dead last week. I also worked 40 hours. I am also working 40 hours this week. All of this plus doing reset on Saturday nights and doing all the perishable prop work for the show. My last day off was Dec. 6th. With my current schedule, my next one isn't until sometime after the new year. I really hope the paychecks make it worth it, cause my ass is tired!

I should really be asleep

Sitting here in my room on a Thursday night (well, Friday morning I guess) and I should have been asleep a while ago. I have to get up at 6am to get to work tomorrow. Ugh. I like early shifts once I am there, but the waking up part sucks.

I didn't do much today. I worked on Props for Play Dead for quite a while and cooked some food for the first time in about 2 months. I am hoping to get back into a more normal rhythm. The last 2 months have been so crazy with Apple, New World, and Play Dead that I haven't had time to do much for myself. I am excited for a little bit more free time to take care of that now.

I am happy with my decision to stay here in NYC. Having said that, I am going to open myself up a little more to jobs outside of the city than I have been since I got here. I am going to apply to summer stock jobs outside the city, I am going to apply to staff positions elsewhere if I think it would be a good fit/opportunity. I feel like I've been here long enough now that if I am gone for a couple months that I will still feel welcome and familiar when I get back.

I finally got Netflix and I could not be happier. My first movie being delivered to me? Milk. I have wanted to see this movie since it was in theaters and it should be arriving sometime tomorrow! I am just excited to have something to look forward to in the mail! Looking through the massive collection of movies in their database, I came to realize that there are a ton of movies that I want to see but haven't. Hopefully I will be able to rectify some of that soon.

This will be the first time that I won't be going home for the holidays. I am used to being away for Thanksgiving, but I am worried about how I will handle being away for Christmas. I love my family, but I don't get to see them very often. My life keeps me busy and often keeps me away, but Christmas has always been the one exception. I was always able to find a way to go home. That ends this year and that is going to be tough for me. Hopefully I will have people here in the city to spend the day with.

I am loving that it is the holiday season again here in NYC. I was here for the season last year, but I was so new that I was still overwhelmed and didn't get to really enjoy it. I plan on making more out of it this year. Just being more relaxed here has made it better than last year. I can only imagine it will get better and better as I spend more years here. This really is starting to feel like my home.

I guess this is home

I was offered a job I had wanted for years. I turned it down.

They say you don't know what you have 'till its gone, but I think it works both ways. This is now the second time I've really wanted something until I actually got it. Both grad school and now ABT were things I wanted to do, until they were possible. I got into UCI, I got offered the job at ABT, but as soon as I thought about taking them, I no longer wanted it.

I just feel that there is too much left for me to do here in NYC. I have spent the last 14 months building a life here, and I am not ready to throw it away to start all over again. I love this city. There is some strange energy that I can't describe that keeps me from leaving. I may not love it here every day, but as soon as I think about actually leaving, I feel sick to my stomach.

It is time to dig my feet in and try even harder to make this work.

"Decide what to be and go be it" - Avett Brothers

Thoughts on Grad School

I am thinking about applying for grad school...again.

The first time went really well in that I got accepted to a great program. Not so great in the fact that I really wasn't ready for it, personally. I decided not to go and now here we are.

I am thinking about applying again, but not for Stage Management this time. I am looking into Production Management/General Management this time and I think it could be a very interesting path for me to take. It is something that I am very interested in and this seems like a great way to get into a new part of theatre for me. I love stage management, but sometimes I want to do something bigger than one show. I want to get shows up and running and then oversee them through their runs. I want to be a part of the process of getting it done from the very beginning. There is so much that happens before rehearsals and I want to be a bigger part of that than just production meetings. I want to be an important piece for a theatre as a whole.

I have only found one program that I am really interested in so far, but it is a great school for theatre and it would be a very difficult road for sure. It is the North Carolina School of the Arts. I will be mulling this over for the next couple months while I start getting my materials together. We'll see how this goes.

Who Am I?

24601!

...sorry.

I feel like I am constantly in a battle. I am always trying to reconcile who I am with who I feel I should be. I have so many friends who are married/engaged/parents, or are in their career and I am working at an Apple store living in a crappy apartment with 2 people I only kinda like.

I had so much promise. I was so smart when I was a kid. I had the world in front of me and I gave it up to do theatre, something that I love.

Well, I am working in retail and haven't done theatre in months, and I am only trying to survive at this point. Is this what I moved across the country for?

Life is complicated and takes time to sort out, this I know. I've grown to feel comfortable with that idea. Well, as comfortable as one can be with ambiguity. I hate the idea of 'not knowing'.

People tell me to be patient, that life with come. Well, patience isn't something I have much of. I want to believe that if you work hard, good things happen. But sometimes there is more than that. You must be patient and wait for the stars to align. Well, I don't care much for the stars. I want to know what my path is. I want to know where I will end up. I want to know why I am here. I want to know it all.

I've never been good at waiting. Will I be able to bide my time? Is this what I am supposed to be doing? I wish I knew.

"23"

There is a song that I love by Jimmy Eat World called "23". It is off of their Futures album. I've been listening to it a lot the last couple days and I am amazed at how many different things it makes me think/feel in 7 1/2 minutes.

(Note: if you haven't heard the song, this post isn't going to make much sense)

(Note the 2nd [or would it be Note Jr.?] : you should listen to the song)

The song has a few lines that really speak to me about where I am at this point in my life. The most haunting for me is:

"I won't always love these selfish things."

I've been having discussions with people lately about relationships, marriage, and children. A lot of my friends/family are getting married or having kids lately. While I think it is great for them, I just know it my heart that I am nowhere near ready for that kind of commitment and, through my talks, have come to the conclusion that the reason I'm not ready is because I am simply too selfish at this point in my life. And you know what, I'm not sorry. I can't be sorry for feeling that way right now.

On the flip side, I don't want to always be so selfish. One day, I do want to settle down, get married and start a family, but that is going to force me to put other people first, something I've never really done.

"I won't always love what I'll never have,

I won't always live in my regrets"

This one is a bit touchier for me. One thing I can say for certain about myself, is that I have never had good timing. Something was always wrong. I have a hard time looking back at my life and wondering how different things would be if I had just had the courage to say how I felt, taken the chance, swung for the fences. I've taken steps the last few years to try and takes some of those chances, but I know that some of the things I've done in my past can never be undone. It has taken some time for me to come to terms with that idea. I think this line really speaks to wanting to move forward, to shed the weaker parts of our past selves and be the person we always hoped we would be. But it also shows it to be a process, not something you can do so easily as changing your clothes, taking a different route to work, etc.

"No one else will have me like you do

No one will have me, only you"

This goes back to regrets and living in the past. This is more about being accepted for who you are, no pretenses or judgements. There have been a few amazing people in my life who I felt 100% comfortable around, where I knew I could be absolutely who I was and feel no judgement or remorse. They got me. It is hard when you move on in your life and realize just how important that kind of love is. I hate sitting in a group of people and having a thought come into my mind and realize that I can't comfortably say it out loud. If you are one of those people that has always been there for me at my silliest, most insecure, non-sensical moments, thank you, I can't possibly tell you how much it meant/means to me.

The beginning of the song talks about leaving someone behind and it not being an easy decision.

"I'm still driving away,

and I'm sorry every day"

Later in the song it talks of living in the moment and taking risks:

"You'll sit alone forever,

If you wait for the right time,

So what are you hoping for?"

I love the opposition of those two sentiments. One talks about perhaps regretting a chance not taken, while the other urges you to risk it, there will never be the perfect moment. I think it is something that a lot of people, both my age and not, go through and feel.

It is a difficult balance between living your life and keeping the lessons of the past with you. I know that is something I have struggled with, and continue to deal with.

I could sit and break down all of the little pieces of the song individually all day, but what is important to me about the song is the message as a whole. Its message of the struggle to grow up and be an adult and what all of that is supposed to mean is really poignant to me. It is just one song that has meant a lot to me and I wanted to share my thoughts.

This was a lot of fun, there may be more of these song analysis's coming.

The heat, for the love of God, the heat

Before I start, I'm going to cut you off. Yes, I know I lived in Arizona for half of my life and before that in Florida. Yes, those places are hot. But this heat sucks/blows/melts.

The humidity is so bad that I when I get out of the shower I immediately start sweating from the heat in the bathroom. It is impossible to get dried off. Our apartment, as many in NYC do not, has no AC. That is just painful when it is 90-100 degrees outside plus humidity. Blech.

I have not been so successful in finding things to do with my time while I wait for my interview with Apple (which is on Wednesday). Luckily, Kelly has tomorrow off so I will have someone to hang out with. Damn her and her tech for her show.

I really wish I had more to say right now. I saw a show last night, called Hater, for free because my friend is the Associate Producer on it. It was a strange/cool translation of Moliere's The Misanthrope. It was quite interesting and somewhat modernized. It was for sure worth seeing, especially since it was free!

I realized, the last 6 shows I've seen here in New York, I've paid a total of $11. Those 6 shows are as follows: Sondheim on Sondheim ($11), Everyday Rapture (free),The Merchant of Venice (free), Mary Poppins (free), Our Town (free) and Hater (free). I guess that is one major perk of working in theatre and having friends who also work in theatre.

Frustrating things are frustrating

So, I am unemployed. This sucks. At first it was kinda ok, being able to sleep in, hang out all day without bothering to put on pants, etc. But now I am bored, poor, and getting anxious.

I have had two interviews with an Apple store and was supposed to have a final one this week, but I got a call from the store and their head manager is now out of town for the next few days so I don't get to interview again until next week sometime. I understand this isn't the worst thing in the world, but going yet another week without working is not the outlook I was hoping for following my previous interview going so remarkably well.

Also, I have a friend who works at New World Stages. They have 5 stages and often rent them out to companies for whatever they need them for. Well, they were short a porter to babysit the event they had going on this Sunday. They called me to come in and do it because they know me through Jana. I readily jumped on this chance, especially seeing as how it was for 11 hours and they pay double time after 8 hours. I got the call this morning that the event was cancelled.

I feel like the world is dangling something shiny and profitable in front of my face just to snatch it away at the last second. I not only need the money, but I need something to do, a reason to put on pants. Hopefully I will get to interview with Apple early next week and all will be ok and I will get the job. Otherwise, I have no idea what I am going to do.

I'm doing what now?!

Ok, so I figured to start up a little blog because...well...I don't know why. I guess boredom will do that to a person.

I guess it will enable me to catalog my random adventures and things of that nature. I suppose it will also be a way for people to follow what is happening in my life, if they choose to do so.

I always wondered what I would say if I had a blog, and it appears that the answer is: not much. I tend to think that my life isn't that interesting, but then I look back months/years later and realize that my life is a little crazy, it just seems normal to me while I am in the midst of living it. I will try to chronicle some of these crazy/normal events and hopefully not sound like a complete moron(a stretch for me).

I guess now is as good a time to start as any.

(Here we go.)

I moved here to NYC to pursue a career in theatre, specifically in Stage Management and I fully intend on continuing on that path, but I seem to be about a step away from taking a small detour. No, I'm not changing careers or anything, but more like slowing down and enjoying the other parts of life for a little bit. I am *this close* (quite close) to securing a job with an Apple store here in Manhattan. It isn't the most glorious thing in the world, but if one must have a 'survival job,' this one sounds pretty damn awesome. I would get to help people play with awesome pieces of technology in a big, beautiful store in the Upper West Side.

And honestly, I am kinda looking forward to a normal-ish job for a little bit. I've been stage managing without pause/break/hiatus for some time now. Everything I've done for the last 4+ years (when I realized I wanted to do it professionally) has been aimed at being a successful SM. I've taken almost no time to just relax and enjoy the other things in life that make me happy. I've spent so much energy solely focused on work that it will be refreshing to look at the other parts of life, even if only for a few months. It will be a welcome vacation from the constant pushing and pressing to break through to the professional ranks.

I've realized lately that there are a number of things that I would love to learn how to do, but have never had the time/money/energy to pursue due to being so zeroed in on work. I would love to learn to play the piano, I would like to take a dance class, I would love to really get in shape. I want to be able to have time to read in the park, or wander through a museum without a time limit (other than those imposed by the establishment in regards to when they close, of course) or goal/accomplishment in mind. I've realized that about myself when I go to museums, I tend to know I only have so much time to be there so I try to rip through as much art as possible in the time allotted and thus end up not being able to really soak in the things I am looking at. I'd like to have that time.

(subject change)

(that was nice and subtle, no?)

I found my first 6-8 months here in NYC to be very difficult. Not necessarily due to financial reasons, work hunting, navigating the subway system, or any of that, though those things have been difficult at times. I have found it very hard to meet people here. This is the first time where I didn't have a built-in way to meet people. There was no company/department/class/conservatory to be a part of. I was on my own and expected to take the initiative somehow. Needless to say, I was confuzzled. And you can shut up, that is a real word damnit!

I have recently found that just being here and taking small, odd gigs has started to yield social interaction outside of the actual job. I am starting to feel like I actually belong here. And it is only getting better. I have friends from my past moving here in the near future and these new friendships will only lend themselves to even more new ones!

NYC is starting to feel like home.